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So, when we think about stress, I think many of us think of stress as a near-constant presence in life that we learn to live with. However, responding to stress is actually a biological process in the body. ​Like all biological processes (digestion, reproduction) stress response is a cycle with a beginning, middle, and end. I will explain more about that cycle in a bit.​

These days, most of our stressors are chronic and don't have a clear end, so we cannot move through the stress effectively. Think about common stressors: finances, work responsibilities, childcare and parenting, relationship stress – chances are, stress from one or more of these areas is ongoing and many of us end up experiencing chronic stress. For many of us, this has only worsened during the past year or so, with changing school and work schedules, sick family and friends, loss of in-person support systems, and increased uncertainty. ​

It’s important to note that stress is different from a stressor. The stressor is the thing that causes us stress (our work; parenting; navigating marital conflict; traffic, etc.), and stress is the physiological result of that. Even when the stressor is gone, the physical effects of stress can continue. Sometimes we deal with the stressor and feel that we should be full of energy, relief, and happiness. I’m sure you’ve been there before! For instance, Imagine the feeling of completing a big, months-long work project, finally getting home after sitting in traffic for an hour, or finishing an exam you studied for weeks or months for. You might expect your reaction to be one of joy, increased energy, or relief - and sometimes that is part of it. However, for many of us, it's not quite that simple. When the stressor finally ends, we may feel exhausted, cranky, joyless, or may even get sick after a stressor has ended. Think about your own life experiences: have you ever gotten home after sitting in traffic and snapped at your family? Have you ever finally made it to vacation only to get sick on the first day? Has somebody apologized to you but you continue to remain upset for a time? This has to do with how our bodies respond when they go into fight, flight, or freeze response.​

When your brain perceives a threat, your system floods with adrenaline and cortisol to help you prepare for action.​ In some cases, we respond either by fighting the stressor or fleeing from it. Sometimes, though, our brains decide we can neither fight nor escape the stressor and so we freeze! But... all those biochemical and physiological changes already occurred in your body as it prepared to face the threat. During the freeze response, your body shuts down and you essentially surrender to the stressor, leaving all that adrenaline inside your body with nowhere to go and nothing to do. This “freeze” response is often the case with chronic stress and is related to that feeling of having dealt with the stressor (you left work for the day) but not the effects of the stress on your mind and body (you still feel on edge and unable to relax). ​

In animals, the freeze response can look like going limp in the jaws of a lion in the hopes that it will think the prey has died and is no longer good to eat. In humans, this may look like numbing out by watching tv or scrolling our phones, or being frozen and unable to move or do anything to deal with our stress. Many of us deal with the same stressors day after day with no clear end. You can't fight it, and you can't run away. So, you just keep on going and the stress builds up in your body. This is why we might get sick once we are on vacation, or zone out in front of the TV after work instead of going for a jog as we'd planned. We don't just bounce back the moment the stressor is gone!​

It’s worth mentioning that numbing out and ignoring our stressors for a while absolutely has its benefits: it can feel really good to binge on Netflix for a few hours, to scroll through social media during a work break, or to have a couple of glasses of wine after a stressful day now and again. Problems can occur, however, when we are exclusively using or overusing these coping skills to manage our stress.

So, what can we do to deal with stress more effectively?​

Before I talk about how to deal with stress more effectively, let's talk a little more about the biological stress response cycle:

A complete stress cycle – that is from beginning to middle to end – would look something like this:​

(1) Sensing. Your body senses danger. Let's pretend you’re walking in the woods and you hear a stick crack. You look behind you, and you see a mountain lion. It’s coming right for you. ​

(2) Preparing. Your body responds to help you survive, going into fight, flight, or freeze mode. Cortisol and adrenaline flood your system. Blood pressure, heart rate, and respiration rate go up. Your immune system, reproductive system, and digestive systems get suppressed to focus on survival. Your senses are enhanced.

(3) Responding to manage the threat. Let’s imagine you make yourself appear large and slowly back away from the mountain lion. It continues to stalk you as you slowly retreat. Finally, you find a safe place where you close the door and are safe. The mountain lion sniffs around for a while but eventually gives up and wanders away.​

You survive. You feel grateful to be alive. You call your friend or family member to tell them what happened. You get a big hug. You tell and retell your story. Maybe the mountain lion keeps growing in size each time you re-rell it. All of this allows our stress response cycle to end, for your systems to come back online, and your heart/breathing slow back to normal.​

Sometimes we do experience this – say a near-miss in traffic when you pull over and calm down before driving again, or outrunning a lightning storm during a hike (speaking from experience, it is quite the adrenaline rush!) Most of us know what it feels like to have a sudden stressor and then to have that resolve quickly; these acute stressors have a clear beginning, middle, and end, and completing the cycle is a natural part of that process.

It’s not so with chronic stressors. If our stress is chronic and we don’t take action to complete the stress response cycle, all that stress just lingers in our bodies, making us sick, tired, and lacking joy and zest for life.

So, what do we do? If you’re anything like the average human, you may use distracting or numbing tools, such as alcohol or drugs, phone scrolling, or binging on fast food and Netflix. And this is fine in moderation as long as it’s not causing harm or other problems. However, there are several healthier and more effective ways to manage stress which also can be somewhat healing.

The following are things that help us return, biologically, to a state of increased calm and, over time, increased well-being:

Physical activity: This can look like anything you enjoy! Dance around your room, take a walk after dinner, go for a swim, play basketball with your kids, work in your garden. However, you prefer to move your body, do that!

Physical affection: You don’t have to have a romantic partner, just someone you feel safe with, to give you a long, strong hug (about 20 seconds according to the research) for the best effect. If this is not desirable or possible, spend some time cuddling your pet, get a massage, or snuggle with your kiddo. Physical affection helps your body release trust and bonding hormones like oxytocin, and those can chase away the sense of danger your body was previously holding onto. As our hormones shift, our heart rate slows and our body begins to feel safe.​

Creativity: Pick up your paintbrush, sketch a picture, garden, sing - whatever speaks to you! Creativity can do wonders for stress reduction.

Rest: Take a nap, have a good night's sleep, relax in a hammock, read on the couch​

Laughing: Especially when you can laugh together with someone, laughter is a way to release and express all the emotions we’re keeping inside. ​

Crying: Having a good cry can help us to release pent-up emotions. The key here is for the cry to feel like a release: crying all day might not feel good, but having a good, intense cry for a limited time can leave us feeling spent, relieved, and like we've gotten through that emotional tunnel.​

Deep breathing: Find a breathing tool that resonates with you. Here's a simple one: breathe in slowly for five seconds, hold that breath for five more seconds, and exhale for ten seconds. Just a few minutes of this practice can calm down your vagus nerve and complete your fight-or-flight stress response.​

I know a lot of this seems obvious. But, it works. The trick is to find a way to incorporate one or more of these techniques into your life on a regular basis. As with most things, this is easier said than done. My goal is for you to walk away from reading this with a sense of how you can easily make a small change in your life that, over time, makes a big difference. I am a big fan of setting ourselves up to succeed, and for me anyway, that means starting small and doable.​ So, how can you make small changes more easily?​

Make the best of small moments!​ Meditate while coffee is brewing, take deep breaths in the car while you're waiting to pick your child up from an activity, stretch or do jumping jacks between work tasks, listen to a comedy podcast or call a supportive friend or family member on your commute. If you find yourself grabbing your phone to mindlessly scroll through social media, choose something that may be more restorative instead.

Don’t make your goals unattainable. Try for 2 minutes of breathing, 5 minutes of meditation, or a 10-minute walk as you digest dinner. These small efforts absolutely add up​

Wake up earlier or go to bed later, even by 10 minutes​, so that you can fit something meaningful into your morning. Bonus, you start the day feeling proud of yourself!

Do something you already like! Pick up your paintbrush, sing and dance to your favorite songs, go for a walk in nature, play basketball with friends​. You will feel more motivated to do something if you actually like doing it.

Moving our bodies can look like anything – dancing, hiking, stretching, walking, playing sports, playing tag with your kids. Since physical activity is the single best stress response cycle ender, see if you can incorporate more movement into your day.​

It may not feel easy to add one more thing to your likely already busy life. Ultimately, it comes down to making a commitment to take slightly better care of yourself. You are worth the investment.​

The information in this post is based on information from the book, “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Response Cycle” by Emily Nagoski, PhD. and Amelia Nagoski, DMA.

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