Sage Springs Therapy.
Create meaningful and lasting change.
Colorado Springs, CO.
Click here to meet.

So many of us have trouble having serious or emotional conversations without them turning into explosive arguments. Whether we grew up in families who argued or gave the silent treatment when they were upset, often feel defensive and have a hard time taking accountability, tend to bottle our feelings, or have trouble dealing with our own intense emotions, most of us could stand to brush up on some skills in this area. I will take you through the before, during, and after difficult discussions and highlight where and how we can do things differently to achieve a better outcome.

Before conflicts arise:

1. Schedule conversations at a time when you are both available and receptive. If I feel ready to talk but my partner is dealing with work stress or didn’t get enough sleep last night, it’ll be harder for one or both of us to remain calm and level-headed. Scheduling also helps by letting you both emotionally prepare for a discussion. Which leads me to...

2. Prepare yourself beforehand. Before you start a difficult conversation:

• Remind yourself of your goal. Is it to be right or to ‘win’? Or is it to maintain harmony and respect no matter the outcome?
• Consider your own part in the issue. Very few issues are one-sided, and identifying your role beforehand can reduce defensiveness when the other person brings it up. Even better if you can identify your own part when you begin the discussion.
• Reflect on things you love about your partner, or like about your coworker, to keep good feelings flowing.
• Be mindful of thoughts that egg you on and make you angrier, and try to redirect to more productive thoughts. Rather than think, “That’s it, she’s going to get a piece of my mind! How many times have I asked her…”, try to notice this and intentionally shift to thoughts like, “Okay, I’m upset because I’ve asked her to do this several times now. I know it’s not intentional, and she’s not trying to annoy me. I bet we can find some solution that is more effective than what we’ve tried before.” It might not sound exactly like that, but you get the idea.

3. Consider whether the issue needs to be brought up at all; this is especially relevant in a committed relationship. We cannot expect one person to always act as we want them to, and hopefully, our partner does not expect the same of us! I have accepted the fact that my husband will probably always leave sponges in the bottom of the sink, and he will load some cups upside-down in the dishwasher. I have chosen to (mostly) let these things go for the sake of harmony, and in turn, I’m grateful that he doesn’t point out every single tissue I leave behind (what if I want to use it again?!) and every 25% full seltzer can I abandon. So, before you start, ask yourself (1) is this necessary? And (2) how can I be kind if I do bring it up?

4. Ask yourself, what is this really about? Am I truly upset that they left the milk out? Or have I been feeling that I have more responsibility for keeping the house tidy and this is the last straw? Try to gather your thoughts and feelings before starting a discussion.

During a discussion:

5. Use a gentle startup. In the majority of communication, the how is more impactful than the what. Make the effort to initiate a conversation gently and with kindness. Imagine hearing your partner say angrily, “We need to talk. Now!” What happens to your blood pressure? Your breathing? Your mood? This is not a great way to start and is likely to set you up for an argument. Now imagine hearing, “Hey, there’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. When is a good time for you?”

6. Stick to one issue at a time. When your partner shares an issue with you, this is not the time to bring up everything you’ve been holding in for the past three months. If you have a concern, bring it up at a different time.

7. No demeaning language. Discuss the issue, don’t try to hurt the person. No name-calling, swearing, or put-downs. This will escalate the argument rapidly and causes us to lose sight of the actual issue at hand.

8. No yelling. It’s unproductive and will likely become a runaway train of hurt, defensiveness, and anger.

9. Use I-language. “I sometimes feel hurt and unimportant when you don’t ask me how my day was” sounds different than, “You never ask me about myself, you don’t care about me, you are so selfish!” If you yell, name-call, and blame, your partner will feel the need to defend himself and he’ll no longer be receptive to your concerns.

10. Have a plan for if things escalate - even better if you both agree on this beforehand. If the discussion turns into an argument, it’s a good idea to take a break or to reschedule the conversation for a time when both of you have calmed down. Again, the how of communication matters so much here. It’s ten times more effective to say, “Hey, I notice this is getting a little tense. I’d like to step away for a bit and return when I’m feeling calmer” than to yell, “You are ridiculous, I can’t say anything to you!” and then walk away and slam the door in her face.

11. Relax your body. Slow and deepen your breathing. If you can, notice tension in your body, and try to stay physically relaxed by releasing that tension. It’s hard to get too worked up when your muscles are as tense as cooked spaghetti!

After a conflict:

Sometimes, our emotions get the best of us and we end up in a heated argument. After you have calmed down and you are feeling less angry or defensive:

12. Avoid stonewalling . This is basically giving our partner the silent treatment, and it’s harmful. It will also likely cause your partner to feel anxious and uncared for. If you need time and space to think, say so, and make a plan to reschedule the conversation.

13. Make a repair. Repairs are extremely important to the success of long-term relationships. If you have hurt somebody, apologize, take accountability, and let them know what you’re doing to prevent that from happening again. While many of us may be tempted to sweep it under the rug, that does nothing to soothe hurt feelings on both sides and it’s likely the same thing will continue to happen.

14. Reflect on what could have gone better. Notice where things took a turn and consider what you could have done to prevent that. If it feels possible, talk with the other person about where things went wrong and each of you picks something you can do differently next time.

15. Find a compromise. Remember, with most compromises, each person will feel a bit like they ‘lost’. Give a little, get a little.

16. Commit to getting better at this. It is absolutely possible and incredibly rewarding to become more skilled at having tough conversations, but it’s not easy! Once you’ve apologized and reflected, don’t continue to shame yourself or get lost in guilt. Brush up on your skills, make a plan, and move forward

This is a long list, and most of us mere mortals (therapists included!) will fail at this many times before we succeed. Commit to remembering one of these strategies and practice it during your next discussion. If you are unsuccessful, don’t dwell on it. Re-commit to trying again until you succeed. Once you’ve got it down, try another one! It’s really difficult to change our communication habits and patterns, especially when we’re heated, but it’s so, so worth it when you experience success.

Get In Touch